You know that high you get when you walk through the door of a restaurant and the smell of pizza lingers through the air making you feel like a Nona is giving you a big warm hug? Your tummy starts to rumble and eyes dilute with excitement. And then you see an award from Menulog for “winner of best Italian in Melbourne – Inner” and you feel like you’re about to eat a pizza that will lift you high into pizza heaven.
That’s exactly the high I got when I went to Topelz. I was ready to be transported to Italy and have my taste buds explode.
I ordered a Hawaiian and a Chilli Con Carne, waiting eagerly for what I believed to be my new death row meal (not that I ever plan on it, but you gotta be prepared). When the steaming hot plate finally hit my table, I was visually let down, the toppings on the Chilli Con Carne looked as though they were diced up for baby ants, not just ants but baby ants.
I’ve learnt over my 20 years not to judge a pizza by its toppings. Going in for a bite, and I’m left disappointed. There are no real Chilli Con Carne flavours. Where’s the cumin, coriander, garlic? It tastes like a standard supreme pizza with some chilli flakes on top (my usual order at take away pizza joints).
I turn to my lifelong friend, my buddy who I could always count on to never let me down. Old Uncle Hawaiian, look dazzling tonight with actual chunks of recognisable food and plenty of melted cheese. After my first bite, I feel like all hope is lost in this world, the pizza tastes like I’ve just poured the whole salt bottle onto a piece of bread. I go in for a second bite hoping (praying) that the first bite was just a misunderstanding with my taste buds. Nope, we’re still left with a major salt bomb.
Maybe Topelz got the award for their pasta. I can’t see any other explanation. To me, the pizza tasted like what you would buy in the freezer section at a local grocery store.